Or, RIP Jacklyn Elizabeth Morris
It has taken me about a month and a half even to be able to post this. On May 30th, my sister died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound in the heart. I am posting this information here for a couple of reasons. One is that it is the cause of me being out of touch, and likely will be for a while longer. The other is that I know it will change everything for me. It will shape and direct my path just as any other major life event would. In my case, I believe it will take me deeper into the land of the dead and closer to being able to truly walk between that world and this one.
Since the birth of my youngest sister, when I was 8 years old, it has been the three of us. While I am acutely aware that I don't know anything about what the future will hold, this one thing has always been clear. I have always believed that the three of us were meant to go through it together. I envisioned us growing old together, a single unit, and I saw it so clearly that nothing could have shaken me more than this. Now there are two of us, and both of us feel unsettled and disconnected as a result of this loss in a way that I can't quite describe. Now my life has absolutely no certainty. I have no expectations, because I can no longer believe that I can count on the permanence (or even semi-permanence) of anything. This leaves me in a state of mind like nothing I have ever experienced before, and all I can hope is that something of the significance of all of this will be revealed to me in the aftermath. I suppose I am open to what experiences and lesson might lie ahead, though I am in no way able to anticipate what those experiences and lessons might be. At least, I think, there isn't much left that could really surprise me.
